Colonial House Must Be Stopped

It has come to our attention that Colonial has become a major source of strife on campus; it is without question the most troublesome program house there is at Oberlin College. The time has come for the Administration to take decisive action to reign in Colonial House and punish its members for their atrocious policies.
Oberlin members of the Rudyard Kipling Appreciation Society established Colonial House in 1899. According to its mission statement, Colonial House “seeks to promote the values and virtues of Anglo-Saxon and Teutonic Civilization and bring the benefits of European culture to the wretched of the Earth”. In its earlier years members of Colonial House residents raised money for respectable Christian missionary societies, sponsored the printing of various imperialist publications.
As of late Colonial House has been engaged in far less wholesome activities. The principle victims of Colonial House’s excesses have been the inhabitants of Third World House. Those dwelling in Third World House have been made to endure unnecessary hardship for the benefit of the tiny elite.
The list of Colonial House’s abuses is long and deeply upsetting. As part of its campaign to exploit Third World House, the leadership of Colonial House has corrupted the authorities of Third World House. Colonial House has put many RA’s from Third World House on the payroll of the cash-rich Colonial House, serving their interests and enforcing the strictures of the arbitrary and Byzantine system of codes established. To keep the population under control Colonial House established a force of Sepoys made up of Third World House natives. These untrained mercenaries have proved to be unprofessional and are known to respond to the slightest insult with extreme and unjustified violence. To further their control over Third World House, Colonial House has spread the plague of Opium addiction far and wide. When students at Third World House objected Colonial House Officials unleashed their brutal Sepoys. The incident completely overwhelmed the inadequate and unhygienic first aid facilities of Third World House.
With the inhabitants of Third World House demoralized and defeated, Colonial House has robbed their subjects of their natural resources, stripped them of their independence and doomed them to a lifetime of servitude. As a result of the privation forced upon Third World House cases of malnutrition, scurvy, trench mouth and smallpox have skyrocketed.
The crimes of Colonial House go largely unnoticed to this day. Oberlin Students living outside Third World House and Colonial House are almost completely ignorant of the matter. It is supremely important then that the general public be informed and pressure be brought to bare on Colonial House. Sadly, even this may not be enough as sources in Colonial House report that there are plans to continue to exploit Third World House with unfair trade practices and puppet regimes if direct rule comes to an end.

Students from Colonial House live a life of ease while residents of Third World toil to support them.

Against Woodrow Wilson

Though it is impolite to criticize a fellow Democrat so soon after a bruising election, we cannot remain silent on the many failures of Woodrow Wilson. Wilson’s reputation is completely undeserved; his era of misrule is marked by mistakes, misjudgments and a surprising amount of malevolence.
Though he is usually viewed as a progressive, Wilson’s position on anything having to do with race was extremely reactionary. Wilson was a racist and not just by the standards of today’s world. In his own time Woodrow Wilson was abnormally prejudiced. Prior to the Wilson presidency, the federal government was integrated. Woodrow Wilson imposed segregation on the civil service. Applicants for government jobs were required to submit photos in order to determine their race. Wilson signed into law a ban on interracial marriage in Washington DC. Woodrow Wilson’s segregationist program amounted to nothing less than the nationalization of institutionalized bigotry.
Wilson’s war on the rights of Americans was not limited to people of color. World War I and its aftermath saw an unrelenting assault on civil liberties by the Wilson Administration. Propaganda was used to build public support for American involvement in the First World War, censorship suppressed dissenting views and opponents of the war (like American socialist Eugene Debbs) were jailed. In a fit of anti-communist paranoia, the Justice Department went on a crusade against radicalism in America and thousands were arrested and held without trial.
The political economy of Woodrow Wilson was vastly inferior to the proposals of Theodore Roosevelt. Wilson’s “New Freedom” amounted to little more than a recycling of outdated, pre-industrial 18th century economic thought unsuited for the management of a modern economy. The New Nationalism on the other hand was a clear-headed approach to solving the problems of industrialization. Rather than breaking up natural monopolies, these monopolies would be regulated by the government and made to serve the needs of the public.
Upon closer inspection, Woodrow Wilson’s much-vaunted foreign policy also deeply flawed. Much credit is given to Wilson for his lip-service to international law, however Woodrow Wilson’s Latin America policy went completely against the principles of international law, interfering with the internal affairs of a host of countries in the Western hemisphere attempting to make them American colonies in all but name.
Undeniably, Wilson’s greatest errors revolved around the First World War and the Versailles talks that followed. The European powers involved in the Versailles Treaty were all determined to exact their pound of flesh from the war-torn German nation, no matter the costs. The responsibility to pursue long-term healing for Europe rested on Wilson’s shoulders. However, in his weakness, Wilson dropped the most effective parts of the plan in order to concentrate on the formation of the League of Nations, an ineffectual organization which did nothing to prevent the next great war, a direct result of the economic ravages and loss of dignity visited upon Germany in the 1920’s and 30’s. It was those conditions that eventually led to World War II. If not for Wilson’s obvious incompetence, the worst conflict in history, as well as decades of extreme world tension could have been prevented. For his sins Wilson should have faced the same terrible fate endured by his idol, the terrible Girolamo Savonarola.

Fast Facts
FAST FACTS:

• Woodrow Wilson suffered of trench mouth, an illness which is believed to have driven him to distraction and led to many of his policy choices.

• Respected historians contend that Wilson would have been involved in the Iran-Contra arms scandal if he had been alive at the time.

• A Ken Burns documentary soon to air on PBS confirms long-existent that Wilson was a chronic masturbator.

• White House scholars suspect that Wilson poisoned his first wife, Ellen Axson Wilson.

• Wilson’s former Ultimate teammates described him as a “total Frisbee hog.”

• White House Kitchen staff has alleged that Woodrow Wilson enjoyed a pint of blood with dinner. Whether the blood came from humans or mangled baby ducks is still disputed.

• Stem cell research was greatly hampered by the reactionary policies of the Wilson Administration.

The Horrors of Trench Mouth

A specter is haunting the World’s youth-the specter of trench mouth. Trench mouth is a bacterial infection of the gums that produces bleeding gums, crater-like ulcers between the gums and teeth and the gradual decomposition of its victim’s jaw. When not treated properly trench mouth can spread to the cheeks, lips or jawbone. In these circumstances trench mouth can seriously damage bone and gum tissue. Trench mouth can also enter the blood stream and spread to other parts of the body. Trench mouth makes eating and swallowing food so painful that it frequently results in involuntary weight loss. Fever and swelling of the lymph nodes is associated with trench mouth as well. People with compromised immune systems are at risk of developing very severe trench mouth infections.
The exact causes of trench mouth remain unclear, but smoking, stress and poor oral hygiene all increase the dangers of contracting trench mouth.
Trench mouth’s name comes from its prevalence amongst the soldiers in the trenches of World War I. The extreme conditions in the trenches all contributed to an epidemic of the disease during the war.
Proper care of the teeth and gums is critical to avoiding the plague that is trench mouth.
DON’T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!

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